Loneliness

     I realized I was alone when I stopped calling first and no one called me for a week. The first day I told myself it was a coincidence. The second day, that everyone was busy. The third day, I started checking my phone more often.

     The week went by slowly. I work in a small office. We make coffee in the morning, talk about the weather, traffic, bills. Normal things.

     I've always been the one to text first. "Let's meet up?", "Are you free tomorrow?", "Let's have coffee?"

     It was the same with my high school friends. If I don't text, there's no conversation. I didn't realize it for a long time. I thought I was just more active.

     One evening I came home and left my phone on the table. I was tired and didn't have the energy to keep up a conversation. I told myself that this time I wouldn't text anyone. I'd just see if anyone would think of me.

     The first evening was quiet. I made dinner, ate it in front of the TV, then washed my plate. I looked at my phone - nothing. The next day at work, a colleague was telling me about how she'd been out with other colleagues. "You were supposed to come," she said to me. "I didn't know." "Well... we decided at the last minute."

     I smiled. I didn't say anything. That evening I went home alone again. My phone was silent. On the third day, I wrote a message, then deleted it. I wanted to see if I could hold out and if anyone would think of me.

     On Friday, my colleagues were going out again. I heard them making plans.

     No one invited me. Not because they were avoiding me. They just didn't think of me. That was more painful. I sat on the couch and thought.

     Am I really alone, or am I just used to being comfortable?

     On Sunday, I went for a walk alone. I passed a cafe. It was full of people inside. I sat down at a table by myself. I ordered a coffee. I looked at the people around me. Laughter, conversations, phone calls, photos. I was just there. And for the first time, I didn't feel bad. Not because I didn't miss them. But because I realized something important. If I don't stop giving constantly, no one will understand that I need it too. For the first time, I gave myself time to decide if I really wanted it. Maybe the problem wasn't that I was alone. It was that I was used to proving myself so that I wouldn't be. Now I'm still learning. Not to always write first. Yes I don't offer myself all the time. I don't feel guilty about wanting attention. I don't know if that will make me less lonely. But at least I'll be more honest with myself.

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