When love is pain

     There is a strange and painful injustice – that it is precisely the people closest to our souls who can hurt us the most deeply. This is not a coincidence – it is almost a law of nature. Our beloved people know our weaknesses, they know which buttons to push. They know where we are more vulnerable than we seem. And the scariest thing is that they often do it unconsciously – out of habit, out of fatigue or according to a pattern that they themselves have inherited.

     So, I "live" with one person and I feel how my joy is slowly disappearing. But leaving is scary for me. And how can I leave when there is a fear of loneliness behind me? Or I just don't want to cut him off – this is my beloved, not an enemy.

     And here begins my inner split. On one side – habit and loyalty. On the other – the increasingly strong feeling that he doesn't notice me. Or, even worse – that he takes me for granted.

➤ I will stop being the comfortable woman because I allowed it. Respect is not earned or “made.”

➤ I will show icy calm: I stop “feeding the aggressor.” 

     If my partner is the “comfortable one,” he is the perfect mirror. I shout – I get shouted at. I scold – I get scolded. I accuse – I get accused. Everything is according to a pattern. But if I don’t respond – the pattern collapses. This is the beginning of change.

➤ Iron rule: boundaries are more important than love.

     They say that love has no boundaries. But love without boundaries is not romance. This is a disaster. Especially in a relationship. If I haven’t outlined what is allowed and what is strictly forbidden, someone else will do it for me. Or his mother. Or his past. Or his shadow. 

I have created two basic rules. They are short, clear, and unconditional. For example: 

• We don’t allow ourselves to say hurtful words – even in anger. 

• We don’t retaliate against old insults – either they are forgiven or they are not. 

I will say them calmly. I will put them in the fridge if necessary. And I will abide by them. Every violation will have its consequences – not as a punishment, but as a natural response, as in nature.

➤ I decided to be valuable: the golden cup effect.

    The plastic cup is easily replaced. The golden cup – not. But if for years I have been for him as someone he can forget, interrupt, ignore – I don’t expect him to suddenly see you as priceless. Value is not proven. It is felt.

    What will I do? I will take time for myself. I will “walk” alone. I will not explain my every step. This is not nonsense. These are boundaries. And boundaries are the basis of identity. Because what you don't respect will one day be gone from you. 

➤ The shadow of presence: I will disappear in order to become visible.

     A very simple and cruel truth is that as long as I am here, he doesn't see me. My efforts become the norm. "I'm always here" is like an annoying noise from the refrigerator. And only when it disappears will silence appear. Silence in which he will look for me. This is not manipulation. This is reality, when absence becomes a mirror in which the other finally sees who I was and what I gave him. That way, I won't be there for a day or two. I stop writing first. I stop offering my shoulder in every storm. Let others take responsibility too. Because a person realizes their value only through absence.

     Instead of a finale: I don't have to "deserve" his love. The most destructive is: “He will love me if…” If I am patient, comfortable, helpful, beautiful, calm, silent, invisible. But love does not depend on conditions. And respect – does not require sacrifices.

     I admit: Yes, I am not perfect. Yes, I am tired. Yes, I can’t do this anymore. Yes, this is me. And he will either accept me or lose me.

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